Becoming Batman in 20 Easy Steps
by bookchomper101
Summary: Here it is kids. The moment you've all been waiting for. Now YOU can become Batman. *A limited time offer*


This is a collaboration with me and Karesor17. So half of the credit goes to him. As to why we decided to write this…we were bored. So enjoy!

**Becoming Batman in 20 Easy Steps**

Step 1: Billions of Dollars

Preferably inherited from dead parents

Cannot be stolen (you're a hero, after all)

Step 2: Dead Parents

Have to be killed against your will in front of you at a very young age

Note: you CANNOT kill them yourselves

Step 3: Find a British butler

Butler _must_ be named Alfred, no exceptions

If butler is not named Alfred, rename immediately (you can do this; your are paying him after all)

Note: butler must have first aid training

Step 4: Become goth and broody

Batman does not like sunshine and rainbows and daisies

He does not like cute, fluffy bunnies either, no matter how adorable they may be

Step 5: Acquire advanced throat cancer

This causes your voice to be gruff and awesome (as an added bonus: it hides your secret identity)

This also comes with several other skills: jaws of steel (your mouth does not change position…at all) and the ability to make villains wet themselves with a simple "I'm Batman" or "Justice" (needs no explaining)

Step 6: Learn and master several martial arts

This is very important, as it would be very foolish to go and fight crime with no fighting experience whatsoever, especially if you want to win

Step 7: Get trained by Liam Neeson

This step needs no explanation. Liam Neeson is awesome!

Step 8: Hire a Lucius Fox to invent bat-themed gadgets to fling at bad dudes

A bat suit and a batmobile wouldn't hurt either

You must make him easily resemble Morgan Freeman

Step 9: Build a bat cave

Preferably underground because, no, it cannot be a nerd cave in your house

It must be filled with awesome souvenirs from battles past, such as a giant penny

Step 10: Find a city to defend

Must be one with lots of tall buildings, as you will need that for your grappling hook (it would be very painful to fall to the ground)

It would be best if filled with crime and crazy people…otherwise you're out of a job

Step 11: Convince the police you're not evil

This may be difficult, as you are dressed as a bat, and sound like a chainsaw murderer (see Step 5)

Make sure they develop a bat signal

Step 12: Throw a random failing comedian into a vat of chemical toxic sludge

Every Batman needs an arch nemesis (cough Joker cough cough) and where else are you going to get one

Step 13: Go out at night and beat up villains…and clowns

The reason you became Batman, duh!

Step 14: Beat up Superman with kryptonite

Batman and Superman hate each other, and Superman definitely needs a hole punched in his ego. That's what invincibility will do to you

Naturally, Batman has kryptonite, because he is paranoid, and that is what paranoid people do (they create contingency plans)

Step 15: Acquire a young boy to fight by your side

Boy must have a tortured past, such as yourself

No, you cannot create one for him

Their disguise must have super short shorts

Step 16: Discover a thief who wears skintight spandex/leather

Cough cough Catwoman cough cough

Enter into a relationship with her

It is paramount that you do not mention the pedophilic tendencies of your choosing a sidekick

Step 17: Endanger the life of the police chief's daughter. Batgirl. Without knowing who she is.

In your defense, Batgirl could have been anyone. It didn't matter if they had red hair, were the same height, had the same skills with computers, and sounded the same. Those are trifle details

Step 18: Take in several stray Robins

One of which being a thief who tries to jack the batmobile's wheels

Another being a stalker rich kid who figured our your identities

Step 19: Have a demon child with an assassin's daughter

Again, no explanation needed

Step 20: Have your spine broken by a steroid infused muscle-beast named Bane

Do I really have to go into this?

Congratulations! You have achieved Batmanhood!

Enjoy your life!

:)


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